The Great Pretenders
by Grey Bard
Summary: When Jane is in danger, Daria will go to extremes to protect her. Warning: Rated T due to the fact that gay people exist.


  
The Great Pretenders  
by Grey Bard 

Summary: When Jane is in danger, Daria will go to extremes to save her.

Disclaimer: I don't own Daria. I don't make money off of her. If I did, she'd be pretty mad at me.

ACT I, Scene 1  
JANE'S BEDROOM.  
JANE is facing the camera, painting a picture that we see only the back of. DARIA is on Jane's bed, reading and occasionally looking up to talk with Jane.

JANE  
Angrily slapping paint on canvas  
Dammit! My last week as jailbait half-over and no one to help me commit illegal acts. Tell me they're all blind.

DARIA  
They're all blind.

JANE  
Amused  
That would also explain some of the reactions my art gets  
Annoyed again  
I swear, I'm going out tonight and chasing the first decent guy I meet. It worked with Tom.

DARIA  
VO  
And we all know how well that worked out  
Aloud  
Do you want me to be your bridesmaid at the Hall O'Elvises Chapel in Vegas?

JANE  
Very funny. I'm tempted to do it.

DARIA  
Should I book the Jungle Room for you and Mr. X?

JANE  
Nah, the Velvet Portrait Studio is more my style.  
Washes the brush and picks a new color.  
Don't look at me like that! I just want a good time, you know.

DARIA  
Not Mr. Right, just Mr. Now?

JANE  
Bingo

DARIA  
Sounds a lot like a sister of mine.

JANE  
Smirking as she washes the brush and uses a palette knife to scrape a little paint off the picture.  
Don't knock anonymous flirtation. It has its charms.  
Steps back from painting, thumb at arms length in the "painter pose". Turns painting toward DARIA and audience. It shows a tiny screaming figure shaking a fist at a sky of angry oranges reds and purples  
What do you think? I call it "Primal Rage".

DARIA VO  
Looks more like "Sexual Frustration"  
Aloud  
Very evocative

JANE  
So, coming to Pizza Palace with me tonight?  
Pretending to wheedle  
We can chase guys together...

DARIA  
Makes a face  
I'll leave you to your fun, Ms. Hefner. I have an appointment with my tv.

JANE  
Fine, be a shut in.  
Smirks  
I have a date with destiny.

DARIA You do that.

ACT I, Scene 2  
PIZZA PALACE, that night.  
JANE is absently eating a slice of pizza as she looks at the clientele for a likely male. CASEY is dark blond, vaguely reminiscent of Tom Cruise and about 19 or 20. He is watching her watching them.

JANE  
Mumbling while glancing around  
Too fat... Looks familiar... Reminds me of Tom... Looks stoned...

CASEY taps JANE on the shoulder

CASEY  
What's a beautiful girl like you doing in a place like this?

JANE  
Looks up at CASEY and smiles  
Waiting for you.

CASEY  
Pleasantly surprised, then gets a predatory look on his face  
Wanna go somewhere?

JANE  
Rising to the challenge  
Anywhere with strobe lights, loud music and you.

CASEY  
Attempting to sound seductive  
Are you sure the dark isn't better?

JANE  
Oblivious to his intent, and matter of fact.  
Nope, still holding out for strobe lights.

CASEY  
A little harshly, trying to control himself  
Fine. There's this place I know.

ACT I, Scene 3  
PARKER'S - A RAVE, a little later.  
JANE and CASEY are in the background, dancing to fast techno. The focus is on QUINN and her date du jour, WARREN. Neither looks much impressed by the music and wouldn't think of dancing. They're busy standing around and looking popular.

QUINN  
Shocked  
Oh migod, that's Casey!

WARREN  
Coldly  
Is there anything I should know?

QUINN  
Nervous, but trying to calm him down.  
Oh no, no, just this guy this girl I know met.  
VO, Horrified  
It's him. Oh god, is that Jane he's dancing with? (bt) I should do something. Even losers don't deserve him. (bt) What do I owe her? (bt) Nothing, but he did hurt Tiffany.  
VO, Hushed  
If I don't, I'll hate myself.  
Aloud  
Warren? I have to go to the little girl's room.

QUINN walks away from WARREN and into a hallway near a door marked "Lady's room" in spray paint. She looks around nervously and flips out her cellphone and dials. DARIA answers.

DARIA  
VO  
Nautilus seafood,  
Cut to: DARIA answering the phone at the MORGENDORFER HOUSE, QUINN is calling from PARKER'S  
Aloud  
All the giant squid you can eat.

QUINN  
VO  
It's me.

DARIA  
Enjoying herself at QUINN's expense  
You can't be me, I'm me.

QUINN  
Whining  
Daria, it's important!

DARIA  
Rolls eyes  
You forgot your spare lipstick? You double booked your dates tonight?

QUINN  
Angrily  
I'm trying to do you a favor!

DARIA Go on.

QUINN  
I'm at Parker's. You remember Parker's, right? Well Jane's here and I'm worried.

DARIA  
Why?

QUINN  
Darkly Because I know the guy she's with better than she does.

DARIA Getting worried  
What are you getting at?

QUINN  
He's the jerk that raped Tiffany!

DARIA Hushed  
Oh.

QUINN  
An you know Jane won't listen to me.

DARIA  
Closing eyes and sounding quietly in pain. Yeah.

QUINN  
Nervous giggle  
Besides, he doesn't take "no" real easy.  
All business  
Look, my date's going to wonder where I am. She's your friend, you get down here and deal with this.

DARIA  
Seriously  
I owe you.

QUINN  
Good.  
Hangs up

DARIA  
Semi-collapses, head in hands  
Oh damn.  
Breaks into a run for her bedroom  
VO  
You'd better appreciate this, Jane.  
Flips through closet quickly, several crumpled items of clothing come flying out.  
I'm giving up what little dignity I have left, here  
Runs out of room into an unidentified other room, all you see is the door crashing closed. The rest of the scene is off camera, as the viewer watches the closed door.  
And raiding the one closet I swore I never would.

JAKE  
VO  
Shocked  
Kiddo?

DARIA VO Hurriedly.  
Uh, hi Dad. Mind if I borrow the car? It's an emergency.

ACT I, Scene 4  
PARKER'S - A RAVE, even later.  
The music is very loud. JANE is dancing wildly oblivious to the fact that a slightly drunken CASEY is watching her gyrations with a hungry leer.

JANE  
Shouts  
This music is great!

CASEY  
Leering harder  
Yeah!

JANE Thanks for telling me about this place! I could dance all night!

Closeup on: JANE dancing. A hand grabs her shoulder.

DARIA  
Offscreen, speaking gruffly in a foreign accent  
No, you won't

JANE turns around and looks in shock. It is DARIA and she is wearing a leather jacket, a t-shirt with "Iron Man Gym" on the front, and jeans with her usual boots as well as an "angry boyfriend" sneer as well as an abundant and well groomed mustache. Her hair is in a low ponytail, it is obvious that DARIA is attempting male mannerisms, and any curves that she might normally have are absent

JANE  
Shocked  
Dari...en! Henceforth DARIA in male disguise and voice will be indicated as DARIEN

DARIEN  
Angrily  
Jane. You are leaving this man and you are leaving him now.

JANE  
Darien!

DARIEN  
Gives deathglare  
Now.

CASEY  
Peeved  
Now wait just a minute...

DARIEN  
Go away, little man.

CASEY drunkenly makes a punch at DARIEN, but DARIEN catches his fist

DARIEN  
I mean it.

JANE gets up and follows DARIEN outside. They get in the MORGENDORFER CAR and the door shuts.

JANE  
Really mad  
I don't know what you think you're doing, but it had better be good.

DARIA  
Still dressed as DARIEN, but speaking in her normal voice  
It is.

JANE  
Sarcastically  
I suppose you're going to tell me you saved me from the Lawndale Stalker.

DARIA  
Angrily  
Yes!  
More gently  
Jane, I don't know where you met him, but I got tipped off that he was the guy that raped Tiffany Blum-Deckler.

JANE  
Confused  
Somebody raped Tiffany?

DARIA  
Apparently that's why she's been even more neurotic and obnoxious than ever.  
Shudders ever so slightly and looks down.  
I couldn't let that happen to you.

JANE  
So you went in drag?

DARIA  
shrugs  
I had to get your attention.

JANE  
Slowly dawning smirk, grabs DARIA in a hug  
My hero!

DARIA blushes

END ACT I

ACT II, Scene 1,  
LAWNDALE HIGH, THE HALL, the next day,  
Close up on: The Fashion Club together in the busy halls.

SANDI  
Casey was with that strange girl last night. If he would sink that low, why did you date him Tiffany?

TIFFANY  
Attempting not to cry.  
I feel soooo horrible, Sandi. I totally had no idea what a rat he was.

SANDI looks like she is trying to contain amazement at TIFFANY's unusual behavior. QUINN and STACY look sympathetic and knowing.

STACY  
Patting TIFFANY lightly on the back  
It's okay, Tiffany, we all make social mistakes. He didn't look like a loser. At least you dumped him.

QUINN  
Distracting SANDI  
You know Casey wasn't with her long.

SANDI  
Irritated.  
So?

QUINN  
I think you were more interested in her jealous boyfriend.

STACY  
Starstruck  
Yeah, he was so commanding! I wouldn't cheat on him.

SANDI  
Scheming, while attempting to sound casual.  
He may have had potential. What was his name? Derek something?

Pan back: JANE is behind them, leaning against a wall and smirking as she watched. DARIA is somewhere in the background looking annoyed

JANE  
Insufferably smug  
Darien, Darien Rozatova. And I love provoking him. Those Czechs are so passionate...

SANDI tries to ignore her and walk away. JANE calls after her.

JANE  
The brooding ones are the best once you get them going!

SANDI shudders and the fashion club hurries off. QUINN looks over her shoulder for a moment and smiles.

DARIA  
Walks up to JANE  
Darien is Czech?

JANE  
Ah, my little drahy hlupak, who speaks Czech? Besides, no one would believe you as a Norwegian.

DARIA rolls her eyes.

ACT II, Scene 2,  
LAWNDALE HIGH, THE CAFETERIA, that afternoon  
JANE and DARIA are sitting at a table. JODIE approaches, tray in hand.

DARIA  
We don't want any.

JODIE  
Come on, it isn't that hard. I just want some help setting up for the bingo barbecue we're holding for the Swansong Fund.

JANE  
Gets a sadistic look.  
Oh no, my date is taking me.

JODIE  
Oh?

JANE  
Mock dreamily  
I'm going with Darien, the incredible Czech.

DARIA  
What!

JODIE looks intrigued, DARIA seems ready to shake JANE, MACK comes up and sits down.

MACK  
Did I miss anything?

JODIE  
Jane has a Czech boyfriend and Daria...

DARIA  
Jane. Are you sure this is a good idea? I mean, how well do you know him anyway, and what makes you think he'll want to go with you to a high school barbecue.

JANE  
He'll go.

DARIA  
Are you sure?  
DARIA and JANE have a short staredown. JODIE looks at MACK worriedly.

MACK With false cheer.  
So, want to hear what happened at practice yesterday?

ACT II, Scene 3,  
LAWNDALE HIGH, THE CAFETERIA & HALLWAY, approximately 32 minutes later  
DARIA is leaving the almost empty cafeteria.

DARIA  
VO  
Will her "Czech boyfriend" go to the bingo barbecue? Maybe little pink flowers will grow in hell too.

QUINN is waiting by the cafeteria door.

QUINN Conspiratorial  
Hello... Darien.

DARIA  
Shut up.

QUINN Enjoying herself  
You were almost a hunk in that stuff. Who knew?

DARIA Grudging  
Okay, how much?

QUINN Ignoring DARIA  
It sounds like Jane enjoyed it.  
Looks sly  
Oh, those passionate Czechs!  
All business  
Sandi seems to have fallen for it.

DARIA Not liking this at all. So?

QUINN  
In full Quinn-devious mode.  
So I want you to make it easier for her. Not that I'm asking you to be unfaithful to Jane or anything, of course.

QUINN smiles very knowingly and DARIA shoots her a death-glare large enough for several walruses,

QUINN  
Just make sure there's a Darien for her to want. Brood, look Czech, drink coffee with ethnic stuff. I don't know how you do that drag thing, but make sure it's Darien she gets an eyeful of. The bingo barbecue would be great.

DARIA  
And I should do this because?

QUINN  
I need something for the next time Sandi tries to put me on fashion sabbatical. Besides, you owe me, remember?

DARIA  
Tightly  
Fine.

ACT II, Scene 4  
JANE'S BEDROOM, early that evening  
JANE and DARIA walk in. DARIA is wearing her normal school clothes and carrying a duffel bag. She looks furtive. JANE sits down on the bed.

DARIA  
Thanks

JANE  
No problem. Trent's cool with it. He'd better be after some of the stuff he's worn.

DARIA  
Like?

JANE Let's just say I called him goat boy for a while there and leave it at that.

DARIA  
It's a good thing I can change here this time. The neighbors are already speculating about Quinn's secret lover from last time.

JANE  
And that would be bad because...

DARIA  
Even Darien has self respect.

JANE Right, sorry.

JANE rummages around in the pile of things as DARIA starts to brush her hair.  
JANE  
So this is how it all comes together, hmmm?

JANE picks up a long strip of pink cloth from the pile.

JANE  
What's this I see, an Ace bandage? That does what I think it does, right?

DARIA looks uncomfortable as she takes it from JANE, then picks up her t-shirt and jeans with the other hand.

DARIA  
Yes.

JANE  
Delighted  
Have you been buying drag gear for the sake of little ol' me?

DARIA turns her back to the camera and JANE as she kneels to unlace her boots, her drag clothes folded neatly beside her.

Close up: The focus is now on JANE and only JANE. She can see DARIA, but DARIA is offscreen.

DARIA No, it's from the time I sprained my knee.

DARIA'S jacket sails past JANE and onto the floor. Her shirt follows it.

JANE  
In disbelief And I suppose the spirit gum and whatever else goes into that mustache of yours comes from your father's latest midlife crisis?

DARIA'S skirt hurtles at JANE'S head, hard. It is obviously aimed.

JANE  
Barely catching the skirt  
Oooof .

DARIA  
No, that's from last April Fool's day. You'd be amazed at how many decibels Quinn can produce when she realizes that she's woken up with a goatee.

JANE  
Curious  
But her hair is lighter.

DARIA  
See that bear I brought along?

JANE Yeah.

DARIA That's what Mr. Ted is for. If only Quinn knew why her bear was going bald.

Pause

JANE  
This is just like watching the Nature channel.

A rustle of fabric.

DARIA  
Excuse me?

JANE  
No, seriously. The moth special. The whole watching a metamorphosis at work thing. It's kinda cool.

JANE digs around through the pile and tosses DARIA a pair of socks.

JANE  
If these go where I think they go, you'd better not forget them.

The sound of a zipper and DARIA is on screen once more, curveless in a t-shirt and jeans, with her... lower profile.. subtly altered.

DARIA  
Just hand me the old bootlace, okay?

JANE gives it to her and DARIA uses it to tie her hair in a ponytail. JANE roots around in the diminishing pile and offers DARIA a flat round object.

JANE  
Need the mirror?

DARIA  
Thanks, could you hold it for me?

DARIA carefully applies DARIEN'S distinctive facial hair. She checks it once, then nods, satisfied. JANE tosses her the leather jacket.

JANE  
Hey Romeo, let's rock and roll.

DARIEN  
Takes JANE'S arm, gentlemanly.  
Indeed.

ACT II, Scene 5  
LAWNDALE HIGH: THE GYM, that night  
It is set up for the Bingo Barbecue  
Close up: THE FASHION CLUB

SANDI  
Remind me, Quinn, why we are here. What does the fashion club have to do with cheap gambling and fatty meat?

QUINN  
Oh, Sandi, everybody who's anybody has to support some charity. Otherwise why would Val be seen at a Spinabifida Survivors luncheon? At least this isn't something icky like Lyme Disease prevention?

STACY  
I don't like ticks!

QUINN, SANDI, and TIFFANY stare at STACY, who shrinks back.

QUINN Anyway, it's the Swansong Fund , Sandi, everyone supports them. They send the sweetest little girls on fashion shoots as their dying wish. Jean Paul Marnoff and Chantal and Claudia Brinkley all support Swansong.

SANDI  
They have decent benefits. We seem to have a gym full of unfashionable people and barbecue sauce. Isn't summer bad enough? But, of course you could be right. After all, I'm only the president.

QUINN No, no, Sandi, of course you're right, probably. Oh look, it's that foreign guy!

QUINN points at DARIEN who is entering with JANE

SANDI  
Looks interested, then masks it.  
Do I look like I care?

Cut to: JANE and DARIEN

JANE Awww, they're all looking at you. Isn't that cute?

DARIEN  
Cute.

JANE  
Come on. What's the point in coming if you don't talk to people?

DARIEN  
Real American sztyle semi-illegal gamblink? Third-rate barbecue?

JANE  
You're here to let me show you off so that I can blow Lawndale minds with you, hezky vetreloc.

DARIEN takes JANE aside and whispers to her as DARIA

DARIA  
We need to get something clear here. Quinn's blackmailing me to let Sandi try to seduce me.

JANE  
Outraged  
What! On my first night out with a decent boyfriend, I'm supposed to share? With her? Nope. No way, not going to happen.

DARIA  
Do you want everyone to know about...

JANE  
Interrupting  
I don't care. Like anyone ever believes Quinn anyway after years of trying to convince people that she's "only Daria's cousin".

DARIA  
Jane...

JANE  
Just no. Okay? Consider this payback time for Tom.

DARIEN  
Aloud, and looking at the ground.  
Fine

JANE Falsely cheerful, she walks him over to a table.  
Right. I'll introduce you to Mac and Jodie they're friends of mine, you'll like them. Oh, and this is Kevin.

KEVIN  
Trying to sound tough  
Darien, hunh? We've heard a lot about you. Just how old are you, anyway?

Cut to: The TEACHERS, standing in a clump and chatting while sipping drinks.

O'NEILL I wonder who that boy with Jane is. He looks strangely familiar... No where have I seen him before?

DE MARTINO  
Takes a hard look at DARIEN and then O'NEILL.  
I THINK I am going to have a chat with a certain PERSON about what he PUT in the PUNCH.

MS. LI takes the podium and fiddles with the microphone.

MS. LI I will now begin announcing bingo numbers as I see fit, for our first annual bingo barbecue for the Swansong Fund. Remember to buy more cards if you want a better chance to win our fabulous lawn furniture prizes. The first one is G-37.  
Cut to: GYM CLOCK. Watching the hands, forty-five minutes pass.

Cut back to DARIEN, JANE, KEVIN, JODIE, and MACK. BRITTANY has joined them and is hanging off KEVIN while KEVIN is hanging off of DARIEN'S every word

MS. LI  
O-67

JODIE  
Quietly to MACK.  
She's just calling out whatever number she feels like!

MACK  
You're surprised?

DARIEN  
But if you threw it towards your own goal would not the opposink team be szurprised?

KEVIN  
Yeah! Cool! I wonder why I never thought of that? You know, you're a really great guy, Darien. Be good to Jane, 'kay? 'Cause I'd really hate to pound you.

MS. LI N-12

BRITTANY  
Kevie, that is so sweet!

JANE  
I don't know if you could, Kevin. Darien's Uncle Shandor Rozatova was with the Spetznatz during the Cold War. He taught Darien a few tricks, didn't he, Darien? Darien?  
DARIEN is looking away, distracted. There is a crash and a chorus of angry squeals

JANE  
What's that?

Pan Back: THE FASHION CLUB is clearly visible in the middle distance. There is a large quantity of barbecue spilled on the floor and various expensive shoes.

TIFFANY  
Ohhh Sandi, I'm sooo sorry. I just couldn't catch it quick enough.

SANDI  
What is with you Tiffany? Ever since that Casey guy, you have been completely spazoid. I would tell you to take a Valium if you weren't already too slow for words. I think it was your fault what happened to you because by the time you could remember how to say no, he was finished.

TIFFANY  
Ohhh... That's harsh...  
TIFFANY starts shivering uncontrollably and SANDI gets up to get punch.

JANE  
That's it.

DARIEN  
What, darlink?JANE To others at the table.  
One moment please.  
JANE drags DARIEN to the end of the bench they're on furthest from the others.  
You can forget what I said about sharing. Btch girl there just crossed the line. Don't humiliate her for Quinn, do it for me.

DARIEN  
Jane?

JANE Sic 'em boy! Go get her.

DARIEN gets up and strides through the crowd towards the punch bowl and SANDI. He goes for the punch and "accidentally" bumps SANDI.

DARIEN  
Excuse me.

SANDI  
Do you know who I am?

DARIEN  
Raising one eyebrow.  
Szhould I?

SANDI looks him up and down.

SANDI  
You wouldn't. I am Sandi Griffin of the Baltimore Griffins. We do not have ties to Russia and places.

DARIEN  
And what is Sandi Griffin of Baltimore Griffins doink here?

SANDI  
Loftily  
This is for charity. The Fashion Club supports the Swansong Fund even if the local benefits are quaint.

DARIEN  
Ah, the Szwansong Fund. Is that not the group that gives money to szend sick children to Indian Playland or let Hooters waitresses visit teenage boys that are dyink?

SANDI  
Stiff  
Yes.

DARIEN  
Amused  
Instead of giving it to find the cure for sick children or prevaps find a way that saves young dyink horndogs szo that they may visit a bar on their own pfennig when they are fat old men?

SANDI  
Please. That is what taxes and scientists are for. You're a foreigner, of course you wouldn't understand. Half your people eat cabbages all the time, and your major contribution to fashion is the headscarf.

DARIEN returns the favor and looks SANDI up and down appraisingly.

DARIEN  
Whereas America has introduced the plastic miniskirt and the Payless platform heel.

SANDI  
Are you denigrating me?  
DARIEN  
Do you know, I think I am, you szilly szpoiled child.

SANDI  
We will talk.

DARIEN  
You do that.

QUINN  
Peevish  
What do you think you're doing? This was not what I told you...

DARIEN  
Do you think I care what you planned? I did my best. You will see. I have nothing else to say to you, pig-dog.

QUINN  
Horrified  
What did you call me?

DARIEN  
Pig-dog. The translation of a very old Czech insult. It implies that not only are you indiscriminate...

QUINN  
Flouncing off.  
I don't have to listen to this.

DARIEN looks self-satisfied. QUINN'S three perennial boyfriends, the 3 J'S, do not look as happy with DARIEN'S remarks..

JOEY  
You insulted Quinn!

JEFFY  
Yeah!

DARIEN  
Ah, yes. Szo I did.

JAMIE  
That's not nice.

DARIEN  
And you are tellink me this because?

JOEY  
We're gonna pound you.

JOEY, JEFFY and JAMIE all try to menace DARIEN who looks unimpressed, perhaps because as DARIA he has seen their pitiful fights too many times to really fear them. He elbows JOEY in the ribs and trips JEFFY casually.

DARIEN  
Looks at JAMIE  
You were sayink?

JAMIE  
N-nothing

JOEY and JEFFY look stunned. Intimidated, JAMIE backs into the wall. DARIEN gently pins him to the wall with one hand. He is too terrified to resist as DARIEN slowly pours punch down the front of his shirt.

DARIEN  
It is better not to tangle with a man whose uncle was in the Spetznatz.

JAMIE  
Yessir.

The three J's pick themselves up cautiously and scuttle away. The teachers look disturbed. JANE walks up and catches DARIEN'S arm

JANE Cathartic as that was, I think you've done enough damage for one day, Rambo. Apparently even implied testosterone has side effects.

DARIEN looks abashed but still perversely proud of himself. It is obvious that there is something left of the very physical little girl that used to thump her sister. JANE sees DARIEN to the door.

JANE I hope you don't mind, but I'm hungry and I still have some barbecue left. You can change back at my place. You know where the key is.

DARIEN walk out into the parking lot, followed by SANDI, who stops him, wallet in hand.

SANDI  
How much is she paying you?

DARIEN  
Excuse me?

SANDI  
Businesslike  
Oh come on. Older man, girl like her, Eastern Block. I do not think you are in it for her underdeveloped body. I can pay you more. Everyone knows the Lanes aren't rich.

DARIEN  
If anyone was doink the payink it would be me. I am not a gigolo for bored bigots, Ms. . Can you not find a date without your checkbook? Goodnight.

DARIEN starts to walk away.  
SANDI  
Yelling after DARIEN, spitefully.  
What did she promise to do? Marry you for your Green card?

QUINN comes running out of the GYM.

QUINN  
Was that Sandi? What just happened?

DARIEN  
Nothink.

QUINN  
Daria...

DARIEN looks at her coolly and dispassionately. For a moment he looks nothing at all like Daria.

DARIEN  
Emphatic  
Nothink.

DARIEN trudges off into the night.

ACT III, Scene 1  
LAWNDALE HIGH, THE HALL, the day after the barbecue, end of the day  
BRITTANY  
Amazed  
He's smoother than my Kevie?

JANE  
Of course he is. He also prefers me to Sandi. And you heard he took on the three J's last night...

BRITTANY  
And he saved you from the evil Casey! That is sooo sweet!

JODIE  
I hate to say this, but Daria might have had a point yesterday. How much do you know about this guy, and how long have you been involved?

JANE  
Oh, I've known him for a while. I only started to get interested towards the end of last summer, but hey, I feel like we've known each other all my life. I just never said anything because I didn't know if he'd show up.

He's a writer who reports on social injustices. Don't let the Clark Kent thing fool you. Once you get him going, he is fiery. Not to mention brilliant and loyal and clever and strong, but those are plusses too, of course.

JODIE  
He sounds too good to be real.

JANE  
And let me tell you...

Pan back: DARIA is standing nearby. JANE notices her.

JANE  
Wow, look at the time. Gotta go. Hey, Daria, wait up!

JANE catches up to DARIA

JANE  
Okay, I'm busted. How much did you hear?

DARIA  
Enough.  
Uncomfortable  
Where did all... that... come from?

JANE  
Nervous  
I thought you liked messing with their minds?

DARIA gives the "Are you serious?" death glare

JANE  
building confidence  
Well, it is true, sort of. Most of it. Well it could be!  
Let's face it, Darien hasn't treated my head like a lollypop, isn't a dork with nothing but sports on his mind, and he probably won't drop me for you, unless you're more twisted than I thought, not to mention flexible. In fact, he's a pretty great guy.  
JANE smiles softly.  
Aren't you flattered?

DARIA  
Frustrated and pained  
I'm not Darien!

JANE  
Smirking  
What makes you think I care?

JANE kisses DARIA in a gentle but romantic way. DARIA starts to respond when JANE pulls back and walks off, whistling happily out of tune. DARIA is shocked and shaken.

JANE  
Turning back to look at DARIA for a second.  
See you on my birthday! Noon!

ACT III, Scene 2  
THE MORGENDORFER HOUSE, THE LIVING ROOM, later.  
DARIA is watching television and looking zombie-like.

HELEN  
Daria? Is something wrong?

DARIA sits silent in front of the television.

HELEN  
I know I'm not the world's most perceptive mother, but you didn't say a word through dinner.

DARIA shows no sign of listening.

HELEN  
Losing patience  
If you don't talk to me, I'll assume it's because I'm a bad mother and I'll take us all to family therapy.

DARIA  
Irritated  
Fine, okay? I got surprised by the fact that things weren't as simple as I thought they were. I guess I was hoping that if I didn't think about it, it would all go away.

HELEN  
Sardonically  
It never does.

DARIA  
I know.  
What do you call it when the world turns upside down and you find out your subconscious has been a making a fool of you and you aren't who you thought you were at all?

HELEN Raising her eyebrows and sounding more interested.  
Growing up.

DARIA  
And when you can't quite convince yourself to get rid of the evidence?

HELEN looks down at her immaculate suit and then over at JAKE who is asleep in his chair, rumpled and snoring.

HELEN  
Gently  
Falling in love.

DARIA Looking resigned  
I was afraid of that.

ACT III, Scene 3  
THE FRONT DOOR of the LANE HOUSE, Noon, Jane's birthday

DARIA knocks. JANE answers.

DARIA  
Full shy mode  
Ummm, hi.

JANE  
Hi, yourself. Okay, spill. What did you get me?

DARIA  
Nothing much. Just the security footage that shows Casey adding stuff to Tiffany's drink.

JANE  
Would this be a gift in my name to the Lawndale P.D.?

DARIA I think Officer Bob will find it interesting. JANE  
When in doubt, talk to the bored night-watchman?

DARIA  
Of course.

JANE  
Oh yeah, come in. Trent has some crazy idea that he's going to cook for my birthday, so he invited the guys in the band. Be prepared. Domestic Trent is even scarier than you think.

ACT III, Scene 4  
The LANE FAMILY TABLE, later during Jane's Birthday  
TRENT is hovering and MYSTIK SPIRAL is chowing down happily. JANE and DARIA are pick at their food. It is lasagna.

JESSE  
Good food.

TRENT Thanks. Daria's dad taught me.

JANE and DARIA roll their eyes.

JANE Those Morgendorfers make good stuff.

TRENT  
Yeah.

JANE  
Taking another bite gingerly. Crunchy, yet unexpectedly sweet.  
Spits out a hard bit.  
You have to watch out, they'll surprise you.

DARIA gets it. She chokes for a moment, then rights herself.

DARIA  
Interesting interpretation...

TRENT  
I added some cumin. Audacity is a Lane Family tradition.

DARIA  
Never taking her eyes off JANE.  
Nothing like a Lane to spice things up.

JANE  
Relaxing  
You know, some like it hot.

DARIA glares at JANE, who grins sheepishly at the horrible pun.

JANE Well it's true...

DARIA looks away.

DARIA  
Awkwardly  
It's unexpected, but I think it could get addictive. I think it might be the way I would have wanted it all along if I had known what I was missing.

TRENT smiles sadly. JANE'S eyes go very wide and she puts down her fork.

JANE  
Strangled  
Cake, anyone?

ACT III, Scene 5  
JANE'S ROOM, Jane's birthday, even later.

JANE  
Satisfied  
Now that's over with. Remind me to have a long talk with your father one of these days.  
Frantically  
Quick, what time is it?

DARIA  
Flustered  
2:35, why?

JANE Grins, shrugging off her shirt jacket and undoing her top two buttons.  
I turn 18 at 3:02. You have 27 minutes to help me indulge in lascivious acts and corrupt a minor.

DARIA stands agape in shock.

JANE  
Tosses herself on the bed.  
Come on! I intend to be taken advantage of!

DARIA looks at JANE for a moment, then smiles one of her tiny, truly happy smiles. She starts to take off her jacket.

ACT III, Scene 6  
JANE'S ROOM, Jane's birthday, 3:15 pm.  
JANE looks amazingly content. She is buried up to her neck in covers. DARIA is putting her glasses back on, and is sitting cross-legged on the bed in only her boxers and shirt.

DARIA Quietly, looking at the floor.  
I hope you know this meant something.

JANE  
Sleepily  
More lascivious acts as soon as possible?

DARIA Upset, looks at JANE, eyes burning. I'm not like that. As far as I'm concerned, I hope this is permanent. There isn't going to be anyone else, Jane, I can't help it.  
Looks back down.  
If you aren't okay with that, I'm not sure what I'll do.

JANE  
Smirks  
Nah, you're about as much as anyone can handle. I wonder if the Hall O'Elvises Chapel has a Vertmont branch?

DARIA looks up with dawning joy. She picks up a pillow and swats JANE with it.

JANE  
Laughing and fending DARIA off with a pillow.  
Hey, what did I say?

CREDITS  
END SONG: "The Great Pretender" as sung by The Platters

Transformation 1: Trent as a mournful cowboy, singing the blues

Transformation 2: Disco Jane

Transformation 3: Quinn as the Evil Queen from Snow White

Transformation 4: Daria as The Queen of Swords (from the tv show of that name)  
Basically, an extremely dashing female Zorro

Transformation 5: Sandi as a very annoyed Queen of Hearts playing card

Transformation 6: Helen and Jake as 1940's style reporters like Lois Lane and Clark Kent.  
(Old style camera, tablets in hand, fedoras with press-passes in the bands and all)

Written by Grey Bard  
With art by Jikei  
And writing assistance from RatGrl

Footnote:  
Drahy hlupak means "darling fool" and hezky vetrelec means "handsome imposter" in Czech. (Yes, I am the person with a collection of obscure foreign language dictionaries that you can bother for help with all your esoteric language needs.)


End file.
